Dear Ann,
I was going out with someone for 2 1/2 months, I was going through a lot, and unfortunately it took a toll on the relationship. I did push him away and I know that, but instead of saying it’s over he has just stopped talking to me. I still have things at his place and would like to get them back, but he won’t even respond to my texts.
I really wouldn’t care if it was just my toothbrush and some fake jewelry but it’s my collection of board games, some of which are limited edition items and they are expensive and rare. Some of the others are just regular games, but they are mine and replacing them I feel would be costly, and silly.
I won’t deny it, I do want to get back together with him. I am dealing with the “guilt” that it was my fault, but I’m also confused as to why he just decided to completely avoid me. We last spoke on Thursday of last week and he said he was “tired” and would talk to me “tomorrow”. The next day he didn’t call or text. I text him to let him know that I needed my charger (that I had left at his house) but he didn’t respond.
I decided to go get my charger myself (he lives with his parents… he’s 37… trust me I know what you are thinking, but I guess where I am at in life makes me feel that I am not worth more, I am also a single mother of 2, one of my kids has autism, and I have been dealing with depression for a long time.) I got my charger, and left.
I called him and let him know I had done so, but he did not respond. I honestly began to worry. I text and called a few times more, and no answer. I have stopped calling and texting him, but I was really concerned that something may have happened to him. Unfortunately he is still my Facebook “friend” and because of some of his recent activity, I can say he is alive and kicking. So why hasn’t he contacted me?
What should I do?
Signed,
Anonymous
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Dear Anonymous,
I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. I have mentioned many times before that break ups are shitty any way you slice them, and the fact that this man has not provided you with any closure doesn’t at all help to mend your ailing heart.
What saddens me most is, it appears you have taken on for yourself the entire brunt of every single thing that went bad in the relationship. From you “pushing him away, to you executing unanswered text after call after text, to worrying to death about him, to blaming yourself for being depressed and having a child with Autism.” The question you should be asking yourself is, what is his role in all of this?
I can tell you what his role is. And I warn you, it may not be something you’re inclined to appreciate hearing me say to you, but it’s the truth.
A) This man doesn’t even possess an ounce of moral decency to offer you a clean break by being totally honest with you and telling you he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
B) Nor will he give you back your things, won’t delete you from Facebook, and he won’t give you any peace of mind by leaving all of these outlets open and available to you in keeping you pumped full of hope and anticipation.
C) He is a cruel and narcissistic masochist asshole knowing you are chasing after him in spite of the fact he doesn’t want you anymore and he’s loving every minute you spend doing all the calling, texting, and stalking on Facebook.
Yes, you know what I’m thinking. 37-year old man still living with his parents = he ain’t no fucking prize. I don’t know if his situation is the result of having to get by in this downtrodden economy and that may very well be a viable albeit temporary excuse. But bad luck or no luck, the fact that he won’t handle his, nor can he be an honest man about it and tell you it’s over says a lot about him. But please understand, it says absolutely nothing about you, so stop blaming yourself.
I recently coined this phrase:
“If you can’t rely on a man to call, make plans, be on time or show up, he’s certain not to be there when the baby is due, the diapers need changing, and you need someone who actually gives a damn. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, especially in spite of looking inside the package and seeing that they are all spoiled and broken.”
When we’re in love, or think we love someone because we think we can’t do any better, we’ll believe in every redeemable quality we think the other person has, even when they don’t have any and we have to make them up as we blindly go along. Thus far, this man has demonstrated he has absolutely nothing worth crying over nor writing home about, so why do you insist on doing it?
A very good question you should be asking yourself is: Do you honestly believe this no-good lousy disrespectful bum is the absolute best you can do?
For a woman who has a lot of love to give, he absolutely isn’t.
You say you worry about him, but why? He’s a big boy and I’m certain he can take care of himself but instead chooses not to because he can still run home to his mommy and daddy on standby, who are ready and willing to continue wiping his ass for him. You have your own children to raise. You don’t need a third.
If you want your things, call him and if he doesn’t answer, leave a voicemail distinctly saying, “I realize we are through but I need all my things back. Call me back and we can set up a time so that I may stop by and get them. You can also just leave the items with your parents since you don’t want to see me. But I do need my things back.”
If he doesn’t respond to that, call his parents personally and explain to them that you just want your things and you’d appreciate it if you can swing by at a time when it’s convenient and pick them up. You are very much entitled to getting your things back from him, and for him to hold them hostage from you when for him it’s clearly over is very, very childish and inconsiderate.
Yet, you also admitted your underlying reasoning behind contacting him to get your things back is a clutch you’re using to remain in his life in the hopes of possibly getting back together with him. Believe me, he knows this and he’s having a good old time watching you play the fool every time you text, call, and plead for his attention on Facebook while he sits back ignoring you.
Don’t do it anymore. It’s over.
And unfortunately, I don’t see you getting an explanation out of him because that in itself would require respect and decency- both of which he doesn’t foster towards you. Not to mention an explanation usually requires a set of balls and I’m sorry but a 37-year old man still playing these types of baby games with you clearly doesn’t have them.
Most important of all, you must get to working on you from the inside. Reliance on men, primarily on those of a low-rate caliber, is an obstacle holding you back from being the woman you truly need to be- the woman who is above all this shit and knows it. The woman who picks the right man, not the one who always leaves it up to the wrong man to decide. Decide on yourself for a while, figure you out- what you want and need out of life, out of your relationships and what kind of man you want for you and your kids. This man is clearly not it.
As soon as you start believing in yourself, others will follow suit.
Love,
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