We know why it hurts so bad to force the end of a relationship. The key lies in the purpose of relationships in general, which to us is growth. The purpose of any relationship is growth. We relate to others to see ourselves more clearly and be spurred to grow at every turn.
Pain occurs in relating when we are at an impasse – and it’s time to grow! We often reject the growth. Pain signifies a calling to breakthrough into a new way of being. However, the ego fighting the growth creates the pain – The ego’s desire to stay stuck in the current identity or persona, rather than expand; This is pain.
Here is an example. Let’s say you are a woman, and your man is refusing to come to the kitchen table at dinner time and eat with the family. You want him to come, your little ones are now four and five years old and you feel it’s time to implement a family dinner style. You’ve asked him to come, he said no. He enjoys having dinner in front of the television. You have no idea what to do to make him come, so you feel hurt.
Why are you hurt? Are you hurt because he won’t come? Or are you hurt because your spirit is now asking that you find a new tactic to get what you want, or to embrace him as he is, but you don’t have to tools to do so?
Which is it, really? Let’s be real.
Often we think it’s him. He’s a jerk. He won’t listen to you. He won’t do as you say…
Let’s pretend it’s something else, you are NOT hurt because he won’t do as you say, you are hurt because your spirit wants you to find a new way of asking, a new way of relaying your message, but you simply don’t know how to ask in a way that will get him to come! Or let’s pretend it’s something else – Your spirit wants you to be at peace with his choices, your spirit wants to learn to surrender and use other tactics to find pleasure in this scenario. Either way, let us presume you are seeking growth – albeit in deeper ways you may not be privy to.
If the pain comes when we don’t know the answers, don’t know the route to peace, don’t know how to make a situation feel good in spite of what’s occurring, can we understand then, that the pain is signifying a need to grow that we don’t know how to respond to?
Pain has less to do with what the other person is doing and more to do with how we are electing to grow through the experiences of relating. Remember, this is the purpose of the relationship!
So in response to Whitney’s question, Why does it hurt so bad? I’ve just explained it. In her song she says she keeps crying because she “doesn’t love him” but she always falls right back in love with him. That’s because she knows intuitively that he holds the very challenges that will grow her best. Too bad she has no tools to respond. A person in this situation needs coaching, tools and support, that is all. No need to break up and be in pain for the next year or even longer!
This is where we as a culture slip away from love. We don’t understand love.
Anyone caught in this web or cycle of pain is experiencing just what I am explaining – your full self wants to grow into new behaviors, but you don’t have the tools and support or education to get you there – it hurts not to know what to do. How can we change this? How do we become pain proof? Well, we taught the tools in my Handle Heartbreak Class this winter.
If a recording won’t cut it, feel free to enjoy personal coaching from myself or my husband Carl. We are masters at supporting couples and single out of the cycle of pain and into a full frontal view of love, and it’s purpose! There is no need for Whitney or any woman or man to “try to let him go” just because she is hurting, so. She just needs new tools, keen understanding, and a little support.
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