Recently in Negronia aka The Land of Monday Nights on VH1, Love & Hip-Hop: New York star rapper Joe Budden proposed to longtime on-again, off-again girlfriend Tahiry Jose in a rip off of Common’s “Come Close” video sans the deaf chick, Mary J. Blige, or a knit hat.
Joey had Tahiry meet him in Times Square where he paid off somebody to run a video of him and other people holding up signs with various statements about love and companionship, etc. At the end, Joey stands there with a sign indicating that he has a question which is, *drumroll please* “will you marry me? This is where sh*t got real. See, as a man, what you don’t want to happen is the woman to hem and haw and tell you to stand up. Public proposals gone wrong have informed us over time that this is the opposite of what you want to happen. She told Joe that she didn’t want to marry him like this because just a few weeks ago he was f*cking up like only Joe can and then all of a sudden he’s trying to marry her because he decided that this is what he wants now and she should realize that he’s a changed man because of this grand sweeping ass gesture.
As opposed to saying “uh huh honey” she was like, “nuh uh girlfriend.” Insert your own flamboyance.
In the moment while livetweeting this travashamockery of a proposal (it did seem a bit staged) I stated this:
I’m going to attempt to place myself in the high-heels, flats, and boots of women everywhere because I completely understand this. In the minds of many men, we think that what all women want is the ring. And not just the ring, but what we feel like it should symbolize. She complains all the time and tries to front me off on all this stuff but she just wants that ring. Yoncé got her out here thinking I don’t really like it because I never put a ring on it. No matter how much I f*ck up or how much I don’t listen, the ring will wash away all that negativity and she’ll understand that I love her and shut the f*ck up with the complaints and the trust issues and all that. [There is a small percentage of women who want the ring bad enough where they think this will actually make things better.]
This is asinine and wrong. I’m a man so I’m about to tell on myself a bit (okay, a lot) here. Allow me quote another individual that isn’t myself:
“I’m a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?” – Alex Hitchins , Hitch
I feel like the biggest want from any woman towards her man is effort. Pure, simple effort. Sometimes this takes us a while to get right. But there are those of us who almost never do. But effort.
So what you bombed on a date; did you really try to make her feel special? Did you attempt to show her that you cared enough to think about what she may want to do? Did you plan? All women (yes, ALL) will cut you slack as long as they know you gave it a real shot. Did you say you were going to stop f*cking up? Well, what did you do to show her you meant it and weren’t just handing her wooden nickels? Did you do anything differently? If not, then you put forth no effort. And anybody paying attention will notice. And do you know whose paying attention? Do you? Do you? Why am I asking so many questions? And asking questions twice? And asking questions twice?
Women. The woman who asked you to show and prove is paying attention. That hurts more than the ACTUAL f*ck up that takes place. The lack of consideration and effort to be who you claim you are is what annoys women. This is why grand sweeping gestures fall upon deaf ears. For one, history teaches us than when folks do something huge and outside of the norm they’ve usually done something wrong.
Or b) just don’t get it.
If you’ve said you would do something and haven’t made any changes, proposing isn’t going to get you to that promised land my n*gga. Hell, it begs the question, what do YOU think is the promised land? I can’t even blame a woman for asking a man why he would want to marry her considering recent actions that indicate otherwise. Joe talks a good game. But it’s also his profession. Despite his lack of significant fame he is actually one of the better wordsmiths in the hip-hop game. You can disagree. You will be wrong. Fight me. But talking a good game for nine years becomes transparent. A woman knows what to look for and she probably knows what “giving a f*ck” looks like on your part.
So, what’s going to be different aside from the title? “Wise man once say marriage don’t fix problem. Marriage highlight more problem.” Wise man English no so good.
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So while she has all of this going through her head while you’re on bended knee a solid two weeks out of f*cking up major – and yes we major, for real homey, we major – she is thinking about the fact that, this fool thinks that proposing is what I really want.
Newsflash: She doesn’t want to get married. She wants to stay married.
Well she wants to get married too. Let me not even pretend that’s not the case. But when you’ve been through as much sh*t as they have, you actually know what you’re getting in the status quo. And maybe that staus quo isn’t enough. Sure the ring is great, but what comes with that ring? If you’re a man who is constantly f*cking up, what is she really winning aside from a ring?
And while I’m focused on the ring because of the episode that spawned the discussion, the fact is a sweeping gesture is just that. It’s a grand show in the moment. But what happens in the next moments?
I’m aware that all of us menfolks don’t think that making one grand gesture will make up fro all the stuff we don’t do. I’m also aware that you all are aware that most of us are aware that any number of us do exactly what Joe did: come to the realization that he wanted to be with her and figured the best way to show was to propose, never mind the past. To be fair, MANY people – both men and women – wish that their pasts could be stricken from the record, even amidst the situation they’re in. It takes a lot to give somebody a blank slate.
Point is, and this is getting long, and yes, that is what she said, a grand gesture does not a problem fix. It’s a start…but you should never start with a marriage proposal.
Not for nothing, I’ll be surprised if Joe ever proposes again. In a wicked twist of fate and irony, rejecting a wedding proposal that is serious usually deads the relationship. Oh love, you are a wretched unicorn. But it is pretty serious to say that you don’t want to spend your life with somebody that you do love.
Ladies, am I on message here? Fellas, am I missing something? What’s the verdict on grand gestures?
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