My alarm went off this morning at 8:50 AM and I lay there with impossibly heavy and puffy eyes for the longest time before I could finally open them. I only set an alarm so that I wouldn’t stay in bed all day.
Humaning is hard sometimes.
As I lay there with those closed, heavy, puffy eyes, one thought kept circulating in and out of my vast rotation of thoughts which were ranging from I want to die, to Yes, life is going to be SO good and YAY for new beginnings, to I never want to move again, to I want to go do a triathlon right this second! The thought which kept popping in and out of all of it was, Oh my God, why would I share what I wrote last night?
Humaning is hard sometimes.
Other thoughts pressed heavier and heavier against my eyes. I want to make so many bad decisions right now. SO many. And, you’re strong, man, time to make all the healthiest, best decisions ever! Also, I will never, ever, ever love again, and My god, I just want to be loved right now by anyone.
Humaning is hard sometimes.
At 9:36 AM, I finally forced my eyes open and looked at the clock. Definitely no reason to get up yet. I closed my eyes, welcoming the tsunami of teeter-tottering thoughts which had been engulfing my being.
Humaning is hard sometimes.
The thought kept coming back. Oh my God, why would I share what I wrote last night?
Again. And again. And again. The thought returned.
Why would I write that? Why would I share that?
Humaning is hard sometimes.
What was I trying to feel? What was I trying to do? What was I trying to say? What sudden and massive void was I trying to fill? God, I don’t know. These thoughts. And more… Was that right of me? Was that wrong of me? What does that say about me? What does that say about this?
As if cued by some stagehand who saw me spiraling into mentally and emotionally unhealthy places, the sound of nearby sirens suddenly filled the emptiness of my room and pushed all the thoughts out. Shit, get out of bed, man. You can’t possibly know answers for any of this. Like, ever. GET. OUT. OF. BED. AND. MOVE.
So I did. Somehow.
And that’s as far as I’ve gotten. That was almost two hours ago.
Friends, I don’t know how to be in the public eye when it comes to relationships. I don’t know how to love and be loved when the world is often watching. I don’t know how to go in and out of love and relationships like a non-public single person without mucking everything up in the process. I don’t know how to let you all know that I am with someone and that I am now not. I don’t know how to be honest, and I don’t know how to protect those I love most. I don’t know how to do any of it. There is no manual for it. I do my best.
And there is this. I know that I had one sane thought yesterday as I wrote that. I knew that the most important times I could ever sit down and write are the times when I am really feeling things the most. I also knew something else that I have always known and lived as Dan Pearce, the person, and Single Dad Laughing, the writer. I have known that sharing what I’m feeling might just help someone else, somewhere, who needs to find words for their own struggling thoughts. That’s what yesterday’s post was about. That’s what this blog has always been about for me. Always. Even in my gloom, I felt a responsibility to do that.
I am heartbroken, friends. This was a big relationship for me. And this is also probably the last I will talk about it here, at least for a very long time. There are too many ways writing about it can hurt someone who I will always care about.
I could fill six novels with all my thoughts, new insight, insecurities, hurt, and determination that I am feeling right now.
Instead, I am going to do what has always healed me most…
Focus on the present. Focus on the future. Get my body moving. Love on my kiddo. And do my best to laugh at everything. Especially here.
Because life, my friends, is good. And life is funny. And the unpredictability of it is one of the best and funniest parts about it.
Humaning is hard.
But only sometimes.
Right?
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