***paraphrased six or seven month old convo with a friend***
friend: “why even bother with this election sh*t? i mean, why is everybody getting so worked up about obama?
a slightly annoyed champ: “please expound”
friend: “i mean…i crack the hell up seeing everyone all worked up about hilary this and obama that and we all know that edwards is gonna win the nomination. why even bother?”
***insert extended “hmmmm” exaggerated smirk, and sarcastic slow shake of head for dramatic effect***
friend: “what? stop it. you know i’m right”
champ: “ummm…edwards dropped out today”
friend: “what?? when??”
champ: “like an hour ago”
friend: “well, it doesnt matter who’s president anyway, since the american president is just a figurehead to represent the zionist interests of the freemasons and the six jewish bankers in prague who…”
***while the champ’s friend is ranting, the champ slowly removes pistol from his waistband, and calmly shoots himself in the head. luckily, the gun is filled with paper mache bullets, but the effect remains the same***
those close to me know that i hate conspiracy theorists with the heat of a thousand AKA crotches. you know exactly who i’m talking about…the cat who thinks that every professional sporting event is fixed, the woman who swears that AIDS doesnt really exist and thinks that its a racket created by the government to make people pay for AIDS drugs, the idiot who swears that if you divide the mayan calender year you were born by the sixth digit of your social security number, it equals the number of cameras the illuminati secretly implanted in your rectum the last time you got your teeth cleaned, which is why he refers to dick cheney as “the dentist”.
yet, despite my utter disdain for this way of thinking, i always manage to have at least two or three friends who fit this profile, and i’m curious why. maybe it’s an unavoidable bi-product of knowing “educated” people. maybe my propensity to pretend to listen to people instead of immediately dismissing them makes me attractive to them. maybe its because conspiracy theorist chicks are notorious for being easier than bristol palin. who knows?
as i pondered this question, i began to think of other annoying ass friends to have in your circle. people who aren’t quite annoying enough to completely cut off, but just annoying enough for you to ask yourself “wait…why are we cool again? how the hell did this happen??” at least once every four months, and i thought of a few.
the exaggerated drunk (“ed” for short), aka “the perper”
not to be mistaken with the “lightweight” (a person who knows that they don’t have the highest tolerance for alcohol, but doesnt act like an horses ass about it), the ed takes one half sip of a mikes hard lemonade and turns into dudley f*cking moore. they’re so enthralled with the idea of being drunk, that they don’t even bother to actually be drunk before they start acting drunk.
the cheap bastard, aka “the cheap piece of sh*t” and “black women”
n.e.n. (no explaination needed)
the habitual cheater
seriously, there might not be anything more annoying then the friend who consistently makes you their alibi and expects you to always cover for their raggedy d*ck asses. honestly, the older i get, the more i distance myself from these people. not because of some holier than thou attitude, but, i figure if someone’s washing your dirty drawls and swallowing your kids every night and you still do them dirty like that, what type of foulness would you do to me if given the opportunity?
the fun police, aka “the wet blanket”, aka “the diamond sh*tters”
**fast-forward to 4:08 to witness what the champ fantasizes about doing to every fun police member**
ok. i know i’m forgetting a few. any suggestions?
***btw, the conspiracy theorist friend from the beginning? volunteers at an obama campaign office now. the audacity of hope strikes again and sh*t.***
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